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A Good Word

A Mask of Pride

As a little girl, I didn’t think twice about humiliating a classmate. The words just popped out. I didn’t say unkind things to be malicious. It was an infantile attempt to build myself up. And that didn’t change. By the time I was an adult I spewed sarcasm.

Some say we are all born with a mask of pride and selfishness. If so, something went very wrong as my mask of pride morphed into a monster mask, and I couldn’t get it off.

Around my 17th birthday, I lost 15 pounds. I look terrific! I thought. I received compliments and praise and I wanted more. A “friend” told me how I could eat anything I wanted and still lose weight if I made myself vomit after eating. How simple!

Within months, bulimia became my choice for weight loss. I was determined to stay thin at any cost, including abusing substances like alcohol, cigarettes, diet pills, diuretics and laxatives.

Later, I learned the pride I had developed as a child had a motivating effect in the development of my eating disorder. Pride was blinding—as my eating patterns became less healthy, pride told me this behavior was acceptable and kept me from seeking the help I desperately needed.

What started out as easy weight loss turned into a battle for my life. I was in the grip of an addiction that rendered me powerless over food, substances and obsessive behavior. Pride took center stage. Look at what I’ve accomplished! I can squeeze into a size four. I’m so disciplined!

I laughed all the time so people would think I was confident. But on the inside, pride kept me immobile, unable to break the chain and admit I needed help. Deep inside, I didn’t want anyone to see my insecurity and hurt.

Addiction consumed my life for 16 years. One day, I met a godly man who invited me to church. There I faced the truth of who I was and how I dishonored God’s gift of a healthy body. This marvelous creation was designed to be a temple of God. I had turned it into a landfill.

I felt the pain and anguish of acknowledging my pride and shameful behavior. In bitter confession and humble repentance, I gave my life to Jesus and claimed Him as my Savior. I asked forgiveness for self-centered pride and the desire for popularity. I begged God for strength to win the battle over this self-created monster. As I prayed for God’s strength to work in me, I suddenly had a desire to take up sewing and crafts!

Then it hit me. I no longer had the “urge to purge.” I now had hope for a future because God heard my cry and intervened with a miracle. I didn’t care so much about being thin and beautiful; I just wanted to be creative and productive.

My creativity became a means of communication, which enhanced my self-image and interpersonal relationships. I swapped my obsession for food with enjoyment of crafts because God opened my eyes to the gifts He’d created in me. I began reading the Bible and learned all about my Heavenly Father.

The power of God’s Word started the process of renewing my spirit and mind. A desire grew in me to honor God with all I had and was. Slowly the mask of pride began to vanish. God forced me to take a hard look at myself. I started to focus on God. Instead of concentrating on my problems, I started to realize who I am in Him.

I began seeking God’s great plan for me. I had a yearning to help other women held captive by this same monster of bulimia. As I reached out, my focus shifted from myself to other people. The same comfort and love I receive from God enables me to help others become God-centered.

God gently took off my mask of pride and revealed the person He created. It’s good to be free!

KIMBERLY DAVIDSON is the founder of Olive Branch Outreach, an eating disorders ministry. She also is an inspirational speaker and a seminary student. You can visit Olive Branch Outreach at www.olivebranchoutreach.com.

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