Laugh Lines

Falling for Lunch

Early one hectic morning, my daughter was running out the door for school. Noticing she had forgotten her lunch, I followed her into our garage. I handed her the bag and then remembered that I needed something out of my craft room, which is adjacent to the garage. Still in my pajamas and socks, I began rooting through some things. Locating what I needed, I reached up to turn the light off and began a series of spirals, turns and twists that can’t be recounted in words. We’ll just leave it at “Flannel Busts a Move—and Maybe a Hip.” I was on the floor and didn’t even have one of those handy call buttons that they advertise on TV.

Pulling myself up from the wreckage, I assessed the damage to my body and the craft room. No permanent damage, although I would have some purple blue trophies to show off to my friends.

A few days later, I agreed to meet my husband for lunch. I arrived at the restaurant first and thought I would go in and place the order to save time. Looking around the parking lot, I noticed a squad of police cadets heading toward the same door. I’d better hurry, I thought to myself. I made my way down the sidewalk to the entrance door. Just as I was ready to enter, my legs became like a card table and folded right under me. Next thing I knew, I was looking up at a sea of freshly-shaven police cadet faces, all working hard to complete their good deed for the day. “Are you all right?” “Are you hurt?” “Are you sure you’re all right?” I answered each question as they helped me regain my standing status. One cadet looked at my fashionable heels and said, “Those do look like they would be hard to walk in!” I smiled weakly, dusted off my pride, mumbled “thank you,” and continued my way into the restaurant.

Once my husband arrived, I told him to look over at that group of nice young men. He said, “Yeah…what about them?” I proceeded to tell him what happened. He first expressed concern for me and then couldn’t resist a chuckle. “Well, if you had to go down, I guess that was the time to do it!”

Still smarting from previous bruisings, I unbelievably planned another lunch. This one would include my husband and some other family members. The entrance to the restaurant went smoothly. I even ate my whole meal without putting an eye out with a crouton. An enjoyable time behind us, we began to make our way to the car. It was raining, so I waited under a canopy until a group of construction workers loaded into their truck. As they began backing out, my husband and I ran to our car. He slid safely into his seat and looked out the window. When describing the incident later, he said, “I only saw a blue streak fly by, and then no Pam.”

He jumped out of the car and came around to find me in a puddle doing a Mary Lou Retton Olympic-gold pose. Helping me up, he led me to the car seat. He asked, “What happened? Did you twist your ankle? Are you wearing high heels?”

Through tears of frustration, I said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just had a physical so I know I don’t have anything serious.” Now I have a new set of purple blue marks to add to my now green yellow ones. My husband is vowing to add those bathtub adhesive decals to the bottoms of all my shoes and socks. I think I’ll go one step further—from now on, I’m removing the word, “lunch” from my vocabulary. It’s the safest thing to do.

Pam and Kathy’s 7 Tips for Finding Safe, Healthy Shoes

Have your feet measured (while standing) periodically before purchasing shoes. Foot size may change through the seasons and years.
Shoes should be comfortable and allow toes to wiggle, but not slip or rub.
Buy shoes in the afternoon as feet tend to swell as the day progresses.
Try on both shoes. Each foot could be shaped differently.
Vary your shoes each day to avoid rapid deterioration.
The shoes’ fit is more important than price or brand.
Don’t wear shoes past their prime. Loss of structure could cause permanent damage.