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Why Am I Not Enough?

By Marnie C. Ferree

The woman smiled nervously at the others who joined the table. She offered greetings and initiated small talk. Only her terrified eyes betrayed her discomfort as they darted everywhere, yet carefully avoided the Healing for Spouses notebook on the table.

The woman made it easy to picture my mother, who died when I was three. I could not recall my mother’s touch, but I was well acquainted with her pain—the pain of women who are married to ministers caught in sexual sin.

My father taught the Bible with a sincere heart and tried to live in obedience. For years only his wife knew of his secret struggle with sexual sin.

Wives of sexually addicted ministers must recognize three important truths:

• “I didn’t cause it.” Self-blame is the most common reaction a wife experiences after she has been shattered by the discovery of her husband’s sexual addiction. The minister’s wife may be the most beautiful, alluring woman in the world, and still her husband would have fallen into sexual sin.
• “I can’t control it.” A minister’s wife is totally powerless to control her husband’s sexual addiction. The responsibility for his actions falls squarely on his own shoulders.
• “I can’t cure it.” It is easier to admit a lack of control than an inability to solve the problem. What is a minister’s wife to do when she discovers her husband’s sexual addiction?

The Action Plan

• Admit the problem. While acknowledging the problem and telling the secret of her husband’s addiction may be difficult, keeping the secret postpones healing. Before disclosing her husband’s addiction to a personal therapist, ministerial associate or church leader, a pastor’s wife should prayerfully examine her motives. To open the door for help is an honorable objective, but to publicly shame her husband out of anger is self-defeating.
• Ask for help. The primary reason for telling the secret is to ask for help. No wife can deal with this issue on her own. “Most people told me to read my Bible more or pray for my husband. Those are important, but I needed specific help to cope with my situation,” one wife said.
• Address your own issues. While a pastor’s wife holds no responsibility for her husband’s behavior, she is responsible for her own. Almost all wives of addicts grapple with co-dependency. They fight internal battles and wrestle with personal obstacles. The wife of a sexually addicted minister must admit to having her own issues to face, and focus on herself instead of her husband.

For further guidance and support, call Emerge Ministries’ hotline at 1.800.867.4011.

This article originally appeared in the March/April 2006 issue of Woman’s Touch. Reprinted with permission.

MARNIE C. FERREE is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Nashville, TN. She directs Bethesda Workshops.

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